Another year is slipping away from us with the speed of a train leaving the station and building up steam. As each day falls behind us, so do the weeks and irrevocably the months. Time is ever on the march, and it tends to catch us completely off guard when we reach the end of the year...and, suddenly, the Holidays are upon us and we hear someone say the words: "Tis the season!"
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
The few lessons I have learned through the years have been pretty important ones, though. For instance, I know through many past instances that it's a good idea to have my sponsor's number from Alcoholics Anonymous handy during the Holiday season. I've also learned that shopping amongst the teeming hoard of germ-breeders is for people who enjoy throwing up and coughing for a solid month straight. I do about 90% of my Christmas shopping on the Web now, and much of that is for Christmas shirts to satiate the insane cat-lady brood that I'm related to.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
All jokes aside, it's a pretty darn good plan that takes much of the stress out of my Holiday trials. I get on the Internet with a goal in my head sometime around August, and I stick with it until I get all of the ladies in my extended family all kinds of cutesy Christmas clothing to wear. By the time Halloween rolls around, all of those women are taken care of and I don't have to waste another thought (or dollar) on any of them.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
The few lessons I have learned through the years have been pretty important ones, though. For instance, I know through many past instances that it's a good idea to have my sponsor's number from Alcoholics Anonymous handy during the Holiday season. I've also learned that shopping amongst the teeming hoard of germ-breeders is for people who enjoy throwing up and coughing for a solid month straight. I do about 90% of my Christmas shopping on the Web now, and much of that is for Christmas shirts to satiate the insane cat-lady brood that I'm related to.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
All jokes aside, it's a pretty darn good plan that takes much of the stress out of my Holiday trials. I get on the Internet with a goal in my head sometime around August, and I stick with it until I get all of the ladies in my extended family all kinds of cutesy Christmas clothing to wear. By the time Halloween rolls around, all of those women are taken care of and I don't have to waste another thought (or dollar) on any of them.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
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