The holidays are approaching fast, and you are vastly unprepared. I'm not talking about Christmas presents, buddy. I'm talking about your entire home filling up to the brim with family members who you can only stand in small doses. There is nowhere to run, because they are in your home. Like termites, they eat your house from the inside out. There is a plan, though. A devious way to manipulate your family into taking over the job of hosting Christmas, and the key lies in the Christmas attire you choose to wear.
You absolutely have to get the ball rolling on this plan right now. There are thousands of terrible, evil Christmas shirts you can buy on the Internet by people who hold no regard for the sanctity of the season. You have to make your family believe you are one of these kinds of people.
You love your family, I know. That's why you don't want to drive them away forever with something completely awful. You mainly want to make them uneasy around you and instill enough of a shock that they have to consider finding a new place to gather when the next Christmas rolls around. This way, you can always just leave when the stress of your family gets too much...and it probably will.
It won't take long to find the right offensive Holiday apparel to spark a little heat in the old Christmas fireplace. You don't want to go too far, because they ARE your family, after all. You want to be able to still call and ask for money when you need to. A shirt that reads "Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe" with a sprig of mistletoe directly above your groin may do the trick. A shirt like that could really cause some conflict since it's not exactly appropriate to wear around little kids...or your family.
Once you get your filthy-minded Holiday attire, you can really get the plan of action laid out and proceed with all abandon. Wear the shirt like it's not a big deal. Like you're just celebrating the Holiday with a fanciful Christmas t-shirt and no one should be alarmed at all. When your father recommends that you change your shirt, then that's when you should start raising a little hell. It's your house and you can wear whatever you want in your house, right? You'll walk around naked if that's what you want. If they don't like it, then everyone can stay at your sister's house next year. Once the seed is planted, there's a great chance you'll never have to host Christmas at your homestead again.
You absolutely have to get the ball rolling on this plan right now. There are thousands of terrible, evil Christmas shirts you can buy on the Internet by people who hold no regard for the sanctity of the season. You have to make your family believe you are one of these kinds of people.
You love your family, I know. That's why you don't want to drive them away forever with something completely awful. You mainly want to make them uneasy around you and instill enough of a shock that they have to consider finding a new place to gather when the next Christmas rolls around. This way, you can always just leave when the stress of your family gets too much...and it probably will.
It won't take long to find the right offensive Holiday apparel to spark a little heat in the old Christmas fireplace. You don't want to go too far, because they ARE your family, after all. You want to be able to still call and ask for money when you need to. A shirt that reads "Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe" with a sprig of mistletoe directly above your groin may do the trick. A shirt like that could really cause some conflict since it's not exactly appropriate to wear around little kids...or your family.
Once you get your filthy-minded Holiday attire, you can really get the plan of action laid out and proceed with all abandon. Wear the shirt like it's not a big deal. Like you're just celebrating the Holiday with a fanciful Christmas t-shirt and no one should be alarmed at all. When your father recommends that you change your shirt, then that's when you should start raising a little hell. It's your house and you can wear whatever you want in your house, right? You'll walk around naked if that's what you want. If they don't like it, then everyone can stay at your sister's house next year. Once the seed is planted, there's a great chance you'll never have to host Christmas at your homestead again.
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